five pigs and 16 Ethiopian children were killed to make this post

Someone needs to give this guy a fucking medal. Think about this for a moment, it’s a bacon burrito. It’s CHEESE, wrapped in mother fucking BACON. And not just cheese, oh no. With its hearty bacon lattice structure, it can hold all sorts of delicious fillings. Cheese, scrambled eggs, sausage, tofu….

Tofu? No, no don’t you fucking dare say tofu. Absolutely not. Would you put a moustache on the Mona Lisa? Pants on Michelangelo’s David? Point out that dogs can’t ACTUALLY play poker? Damn it I say no! So all you limp wristed granola eating faries out there take note, if you put tofu in this…this..work of art, I will find you, and I will kill you. Probably by making you eat a cheese and bacon burrito.

The thing is, I am happy to live in a world where someone had the insight to look at bacon and go “you know, I like bacon, I just wish this was as big as my plate and covered with cheese”, and then did something about it god damn it. This is the kind of ingenuity we need in the world. The ability to recognize a fundamental flaw in our universe, and find a way to correct it. Yesterday, there was no such thing as a bacon and cheese burrito, today there is. That’s progress. So dan, wherever you are, we here at Car Pool to Hell salute you.

And by the way, in the time it took you to read this, 15 people in the world died from starvation. Betcha they wished they lived in a country capable of producing a bacon and cheese buritto.

Fucking losers.

The Unyielding Emptiness of the Blank Page

So how I got dragged along into this little adventure is somewhat of an amusing little story. You ever have one of those friends whose main purpose in your relationship seems to be to look at you and mutter "you're a dumb ass"? Well, that's me. One day as I sat down to a typical evening of my boring ass life, my oh so very good buddy Kyle IMs me and insists on talking about his next great scheme

"I'm writing a book!" he says "and making a website! You should write for it!" I casually explained to him that 1) Maddox and Tucker Max already went down this road and 2) the existential musings of a cynical attorney whose main excitement seems to be when a new episode of House comes on, does not attractive reading make. But no, he explains, my role is the crucial one, the essential juxtaposition, the voice of rationality and reason surrounded by a sea of booze, lose women, and general debauchery. I get to sit on my throne of normalcy, and declare with authority "you're a dumb ass".

So, right. I'm the boring one. Nice to meet ya.